Forever a Foreigner

Many missionaries in my circles serve in countries where their family is ethnically different from the nationals of that country. A lot of these missionaries are citizens of Western nations where the population is a lot more multi-ethnic than the country in which they serve.

What does this mean for these missionary families?

It means that the family is going to find themselves facing discrimination based on their appearance. For missionary kids, this can be their reality from a very young age. Their parents probably didn’t have to deal with this in their childhoods, so this is a new thing for them to have to guide their MKs through on the field.

There are different ways discrimination can present itself on the field. I will provide examples from my own experience growing up in Cambodia, a very mono-ethnic culture, where my family often seemed to be the only ones of our ethnicity in our entire city.

The Realities of Discrimination

Curiosity

This is simply the basic surprise and interest of people upon seeing someone who looks very different to themselves. You’re a novelty! This is even more true for young foreigner kids. What a rarity! Most people have only seen foreign children in videos.

To this day, if I leave my dwelling I have a natural spotlight on me. My different appearance is startling in a context where almost everyone else looks the same. Eyes turn to me again and again. Exclamations might be made. Fingers might point. People do comical double-takes. They stare. My actions are noted in a different way from those around me. Surreptitious pictures get taken. Children wave. People call out English phrases. Taking a walk feels like walking down a runway. It’s like being a celebrity, but without the infamy.

There is nothing unkind or malicious in those stares and looks of interest. It’s simple curiosity. Depending on the culture, the curiosity might be more overt or more hidden. But it’s still there.

Negative Discrimination

Another level of discrimination is negative. This can be basic teasing of kids on the playground, insults based on your appearance. I remember a few: “cat-eyes” because my eyes were green instead of the universal brown, “monkey” because I had hair on my arms as opposed to their smooth brown ones, “horse-nose” because my nose was long instead of flat like theirs.

Kids are always like that. But it can get more serious, getting into deeper levels of discrimination and racism. Cultures are racist in different ways. In Cambodia, people are actually quite racist against dark skin. It is considered a sign of poverty, of the low class, and of ugliness. MKs who come from darker ethnicities will find themselves facing negative discrimination from different quarters. If you have an ethnicity that goes with perceived wealth, sellers might feel comfortable cheating you out of a few extra dollars. That doesn’t feel great when you know it’s happening to you. There may be politically-driven discrimination, if your passport country has bad blood with your mission field.

Positive Discrimination

This is kind of a weird one.

In Cambodia they really value fair skin. So, guess what? I have gotten compliments on my fair skin all my life. It gets embarrassing. (My mother has a way of turning these compliments into gospel opportunities by pointing out how all people are discontent.)

Foreigners can get special treatment on a regular basis, whether because they are perceived as wealthy, or because they have a particular status in the culture. Waitstaff might give you extra attention, or you might get special seats at events. It’s awkward.

Or, people just think you’re cool! In a lot of places, little foreigner kids are just overwhelmingly cute! People just looove holding the foreigner kids and taking pictures with them.

Dealing with these circumstances as a youngster can be tough. Kids can respond to the pressure in different ways.

Responses

Physical Withdrawal

This is easy to spot. The MK withdraws from the public eye as much as possible. They are irritated by or afraid of the attention. Toddlers don’t want strangers pinching their cheeks! Older kids don’t want to go out in public. Teens withdraw until their world is almost completely online, because when they go out, they feel like everyone’s looking at them. (Because they are!) These MKs can’t deal with the discrimination, they don’t know how to, and they don’t want to.

If you have a withdrawn MK, that child might not be dealing well with looking and being different. But if they isolate themselves within your home, they will never learn how to graciously navigate these realities. They become an island to themselves, allowing themselves to be ruled by fear or discomfort. They don’t learn how to love others when it’s hard and uncomfortable. They don’t know how to expand their world beyond their comfort zone.

When these MKs get back to their passport country, a place where they can finally at least look like they fit in, they might do everything in their power to blend in totally with their peers. Finally. They can be the same as everyone else! But when they realize that awkwardness and social discomfort has followed them to their new setting, they fall back into their old ways. Modern life makes it all too easy to isolate yourself, and many MKs find themselves trapped in self-isolating behaviors, not knowing how to successfully integrate into a strange society.

Us and Them

Another reaction some kids have is to draw a mental line: us and them.

Our family is just different from everybody else. It doesn’t matter what the other side does or says. It has nothing to do with me.

These MKs are unconsciously looking down on the nationals. On the outside they can look like they are doing pretty well, because they don’t mind being in public. But a lot of times they will behave in socially unacceptable ways in public. Why? Because they don’t care what “others” think. In my circles, I think I see this behavior a lot in MKs. They act pretty much as they please, ignoring the nationals completely.

If your child becomes immune to the realities of discrimination and ignores what nationals do and say, they might have begun to harden their hearts, mentally shutting themselves off from society, maybe only letting a few select nationals count as part of the “in group.” These kids might seem to be doing better, but they are actually behaving as if they are in a separate class from the nationals around them. They aren’t open, friendly, and understanding. Instead they are closed off, arrogant, and maybe a bit rude.

When I was young, maybe five or six, I remember having this attitude. I believed that no Cambodians could have any authority over me. I didn’t have to listen to them. We were different, in a class apart. When my parents heard about my behavior from my Cambodian teacher, this was…corrected.

This is probably why a lot of older MKs may seem a little odd when they return to their passport country as young adults. They have been “weird” all their lives, so they have learned to embrace it. Why bother trying to be socially acceptable? They don’t care what others think. They have not learned to be all things to all men, or how to adapt to a new culture. I have a bit of this myself. Luckily, I have some people in my life who occasionally say, “No! Don’t wear that in public!”

Star Power

A third way missionary kids can react is by embracing the spotlight. After all, it’s already on them! Why not? So they lean into it. They become the celebrity kid on the block, the most popular kid in class, etc.

This seems to be the healthier reaction, because the kids are actually interacting with the nationals. As they enter into relationships and embrace the culture, they learn better and better how to navigate their odd place in the world.

However, some pitfalls remain! The kids might start to believe that they really are Special. They start depending on their foreignness to make friends and build relationships. Are they starting to think they are bit superior?

When these kids get back to their passport country, where there are a lot more people who look just like them, they might suddenly feel invisible. This can be a blow to their pride. Are they not special or popular anymore? Why are they now ignored? They might feel crushed and depressed. Who are they, if they don’t have the attention? How do you make friends if no one even notices you? Surprisingly, even these kids might find that they lack the skills to integrate socially into a new society without the crutch of being foreign.

How to Be a Godly Foreigner

It’s a unique thing, growing up in a country where you look different. There are many different ways you can react. There are bad habits and attitudes you can develop that can come back to bite you once you enter adulthood and try to re-enter the society in your passport country.

Missionary parents can start to think early how they will disciple their kids and come alongside them, teaching them to interact with society in a godly way, even as a foreigner in a foreign land. Many MKs feel that they will live as foreigners forever, no matter where they go, so these skills are especially vital for them.

In Part 2 we will explore some ideas for how to guide MKs to be godly foreigners.