Forever a Foreigner

It’s a unique thing, growing up in a country where you look different.

In the previous post, “Looking Different,” I explained what it’s like for many missionary kids who live in countries where they are in the extreme ethnic minority. It can be hard to deal with the realities of discrimination.

For missionary parents, who want to raise their children to love God and others, there’s an extra level of difficulty when it comes to training the kids how to interact with the world around them. It can be easy for MKs to end up in a “fortress” situation, where most of their (often home-schooled) young lives are spent shut inside the confines of their home, with little to no interaction with the community around them beyond family outings and Sunday ministry, where they often don’t understand the worship.

Some kids don’t want to leave the family fortress. Others just don’t know how to navigate the world outside, unable to overcome the cultural, linguistic, and emotional barriers between them and the national people. Habits of isolation start to form, habits that will follow the MK into their adult lives, regardless of where they live.

So, how can missionary parents create doors into the community for their kids and provide them with the equipment they need to succeed in their adventures?

I speak as an MK myself, but since I am not a parent, I sat down with three missionary couples and asked them to offer some wisdom on the topic as well.

Finding Doors

Kids need their parents to create doors of opportunity for them in their local communities. This is how they learn to make friends, integrate into the local culture, and learn important life lessons about others and themselves. This is true anywhere, but in a missions context it can be particularly difficult and sometimes frustrating to find these doors.

It’s hard to do this in another country! There are cultural and linguistic barriers, and if your kids are home-schooled or in an international school, it can seem like a monumental task to even get your child in a situation where they are interacting with nationals at all. If your family is involved in church-planting, there are often a number of years where there is no consistent group of believers meeting.

What are some things other missionaries have tried?

Doors into Community

Depending on the context, if might be more or less difficult to find doors into the local community. Above all, prayer is needed for God to provide. Missionaries in a less developed and relatively safe area may find that their kids can easily play with children in the neighborhood, taking to the yards and streets. In some places, it’s possible and appropriate to get your kids into the local schools, whether into the public schools, private schools, or smaller tutoring-style classes. The world of education was the main way that I personally engaged with Cambodian culture. Other activities like sports might be available. My brothers and some other MK friends have gotten involved in local soccer teams. Sometimes there are cultural holidays that are appropriate and fun to get involved in. For Cambodia’s New Year, there are traditional water fights that we used to join, and we would go to the local boat races.

In urban contexts it can be harder to find doors, and you have to get creative. The missionary couples I spoke to mentioned a few ways that they had found. One family had sent some of their kids to take taekwando classes. Another was able to send their kids to a youth group at a larger church in a different part of the city. One MK liked to go to the gym.

Though getting a job might not be possible, older teens might be able to learn from local tradespeople. My sister and some of her missionary kid friends “apprentice” with a local seamstress a few hours a week. Another MK friend did the same but with a motorcycle mechanic.

When appropriate, parents can intentionally include their kids in ministry, especially when ministry involves visits into the community and social engagements. When I was little, my dad was always bringing one of us kids along on visits to people’s houses, out witnessing, and to events like wedding receptions. Even though little me had nothing to do with the grown-up stuff, I was there, observing and unconsciously absorbing things about the culture and language that I would never have learned otherwise. It was excellent exposure.

Having doorways like this into the community is so important for young children, because it helps them learn how to socialize and participate in the community. They will start to learn their place in society and will begin to identify with the people around them, instead of viewing nationals as an intimidating monolith. They will learn some independence and gain the motivation to learn.

Equipped to Succeed

Once there are some doors available for the MKs to enter the community through, it’s important to provide the kids with the equipment to succeed on their adventures. Otherwise, they’ll end up daunted and retreating back into that fortress, never to sally forth again.

The Key of Language

The language barrier is one of the most difficult to overcome. If you can’t communicate, how are you supposed to interact with the community? For many MKs, not being able to speak to the nationals is the biggest obstacle to getting out of the fortress. Many people assume that missionary kids will learn the local language easily, picking it up as a matter of course. You might be surprised to learn that there are many MKs who learn very little, if any of the local language. It doesn’t “just happen.” You have to make it happen.

I strongly encourage missionaries to give their kids as many opportunities to learn the language as they can, even if it’s just basic words and phrases. Not every missionary kid can become fluent in the local language, and in different contexts it may be more or less difficult to find language learning opportunities for the kids. But even if your MKs can learn to recognize letters or characters in the written language and can say a few basic phrases, a little goes a long way. Suddenly, the signs outside are no longer a mystery. They can order their favorite drink. They can understand the prices. They can engage in basic small talk. The kids might never get to the level of fluency that you as the missionary parent achieves, but if they can learn to read and have some basic vocabulary, that will be such a blessing to them as they gain a certain level of confidence and independence in your country. Help your kid learn how to buy something or run an errand. Give them the language to do so. Give them opportunities to be independent in your context, as appropriate.

It’s also vital for language learning to be paired with situations that call for your kids to speak to the nationals. If your kids have a reason to need the language, they will be motivated to use what they are learning. They need relationships to drive them onward!

Gearing Up with the Right Attitude

Having the optimistic attitude of a cultural learner is so important! But kids imitate their parents, so this one depends heavily on you.

Draw the kids into the learning process. As a family, regularly discuss things that different family members have observed and learned about the people and the culture. Praise the kids if they picked up new words or phrases. Maintain an attitude of open curiosity. There are always more things to learn and notice! Having this open dialogue as a family will position your kids into the role of cultural explorers. They will be primed to set out into the community to learn and grow.

View your experiences as adventures together as a family. Highlight the positives, the good and the funny. Try to keep in mind that young children don’t understand nuances very well, and they often believe that whatever their parents say is gospel. If you as a mom or dad complain about an aspect of your host culture or speak negatively about someone, a young child’s takeaway is often far more extreme than intended. If you say, “Such-and-such a place is always cheating us with prices,” and complain about the cultural tendency to be dishonest, your young child may come to a firm belief that the people of this culture are liars and cheats, and develop an attitude of disdain towards the people, when all you meant by that conversation was to vent frustration about a particular shop.

My parents (especially my mom) did such a good job of framing our experiences as “adventures” when I was growing up. We had such a family habit of doing this that we started looking for the humor in an unfortunate situation almost as soon as it began! What I remember from our numerous car breakdowns is gazing at the stars at night, having ice cream, and the amazing helpfulness of the local guys who helped out and ran to grab a part off of their own tractor to fix our car.

The Mission and the Debrief

This one might be the most important of all.

Many MKs resist being given opportunities to enter the community. They like the fortress, and the don’t like what’s outside. Often new social experiences are difficult for kids, especially at the beginning.

One mom told me, “I think it’s really important not to pity your kids. Be willing to push them into situations where they are uncomfortable. Remember that this would have happened to them if they were in the States, too.” Being in a foreign country can add an extra level of difficulty, but they still need the push. However, that doesn’t mean to go hands-off!

She went on to say, “Always be there to debrief when the kids come back.” Have open communication with your children, and walk them through the hard things. Offer counsel and help them think biblically about their experiences.

The reality is that all cultures are fallen and flawed, and entering new social situations can involve painful or embarrassing situations. Don’t ignore the bad or the difficult. Your kids will encounter hard things. They will see things that you don’t want them to have to see. They will be treated in ways that are unfair.

How will you discuss these things as a family?

Cambodian culture is strongly community-oriented. There are many positives to this, but one negative is that when someone does something that others dislike, they may be punished by social ostracization. This pops up even among kids’ play. If a kid gets mad at another kid, they will “stop playing with them forever,” (this is an actual phrase in Cambodian, “chope leng choul”). The angry kid will try to get others to join them in ignoring the other kid for a few days. Usually this doesn’t last that long.

When I had to be held back a year in fourth grade, my parents chose to send me to the local Cambodian elementary school for a year. (Essentially, I did fourth grade twice, in two different languages.) During that year, there was an incident where the top student in my class perceived that I had crossed a line (to this day I am not sure what it was), and she led the entire class of 20+ students in ignoring me for a couple weeks. That was a very painful experience for ten-year-old me, but my parents did not take me out of school. They counseled me through it, and after a period of time, class returned to normal. I learned valuable lessons through that time.

Another issue that came up was that in the Cambodian education system at that time, it was socially acceptable to cheat. I therefore began to cheat along with everyone else. Maybe halfway through the year I came under conviction and confessed it to my parents, who were astonished. Once again, counseling had to take place.

Every culture, including your home culture, has sinful and difficult aspects, and you will need to work through these things as a family. On the mission field, you might need to be even more vigilant, because you might not be prepared for what thorns lie in the way.

However, it is not all bleak! I mentioned hard things about that year in fourth grade, but that year was also invaluable in so many ways, both for myself personally and for my family as a whole. That act of putting me in the local school caused the Cambodian community to accept us in a whole new way. They took ownership of us, and to this day, since I have returned to that town to minister, people remember me.

Some kids might resist your efforts to get them out of the fortress for years, and you might see little or no fruit in their lives. However, in the long run, as they enter adulthood, you might find them coming back to you and saying, “I realize now that you were right.”

In Conclusion

I find this topic so important, because I feel deeply for the MKs I see who live isolated lives on the mission field. I long for them to take advantage of their cross-cultural experiences, and I know that when they return to their passport country as young adults, they will struggle, because they never learned how to reach out of their comfort zone, learn new things, and work through difficult and uncomfortable situations with biblical discernment.

We all need these skills, and MKs have such unique environments in which to learn them! I hope you can come away from this topic with a new perspective and some new ideas.