Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.
Hebrews 2:17
In our little Sunday School class we recently covered the weeks leading up to the crucifixion. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, entered Jerusalem like a king, cleansed the temple, and observed the Passover one last time. Then he went with his disciples to the garden, where Judas Iscariot came with men to arrest him.
I spent many weeks meditating on these familiar passages in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John– sometimes in English, and sometimes in Khmer, the Cambodian language–and, at some point during those days, a different understanding of Jesus’ sorrow arrested my heart.
Previously, Jesus’ foreknowledge of his coming suffering and death seemed otherworldly to me. His prophetic statements about his death, betrayal, and leaving of the world came across as serene, mystical utterances, demonstrative of his divine nature rather than of his humanity. I empathized with the disciples’ bafflement.
“You know that after two days the Passover is coming, and the Son of Man will be delivered up to be crucified,” he would say, (I imagined) with a peaceful and almost casual tone (Matt. 26:2).
Jesus’ sorrow over the coming events I assumed had only to do with the anticipation of the physical suffering and death and the hard-to-imagine awfulness of bearing the sins of the world and being forsaken by God. After all, Jesus’ whole purpose was to be born to die for us. He was willing, wasn’t he? His agony in Gethsemane was the only fluke, and his prayer there seemed at odds with his attitude the rest of the time.
But this time, as I meditated on these passages, the thought came.
What would it be like to know far in advance that a great, painful change is coming?
Grief hit me in a wave, and, suddenly, I was looking at Jesus’ words and actions with different eyes.
I know that feeling intimately. Like many other missionary kids, I spent my entire childhood knowing that when I reached college age I would face exile from the land I knew and would have to transition permanently (as I thought at the time) to a country I did not understand or love. This impending exile grew more and more painful the closer I got to it. Grief and sorrow colored my years at the ages of 16 and 17. I was saying goodbye to people, a culture, a language, and a whole way of life for years. I had to surrender my desires to the Lord and be willing to go to the other side of the planet. It was like death. My life would change forever, and nothing would ever be the same again.
This anticipatory grief is of a particular kind, and relating it to Jesus’ life on this earth opened my mind to a different understanding.
Jesus knew that his time was coming. He knew it for years. Death, for Jesus, would not be permanent, but that doesn’t mean that the changes were not going to be permanent. For Jesus, too, his experience of living life, 33 years of it, on this earth, at that time, in that culture, with that language, with those people, was coming to an end. He would be glorified eternally with joys unimaginable, but, at the same time, things would never be the same.
When Jesus walked the road to Jerusalem, was he not aware that this was the last time he would walk that road with his disciples in this way? When he visited Bethany, wasn’t he thinking, “This is the last time I will visit Mary, Martha, and Lazarus at their house?”
Mary anointed his feet with oil, and it was a beautiful gesture, made more precious by the fact that his time was near. And yet Judas wanted to cause a scene.
Jesus said, “Leave her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of my burial. For the poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me.” (John 12:7-8)
For those listening, a perhaps baffling statement. But with what emotion did Jesus say those words?
The Passover was a holiday that Jesus observed regularly with his relatives and with his disciples. The first recorded instance is when he was 12 years old. But soon he would no longer get to eat the Passover meal with his loved ones in this way, not for a long, long time. He would also not drink wine. He was saying goodbye to foods and meaningful traditions with close friends.
“And he said to them, ‘I have earnestly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God.’ And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he said, ‘Take this, and divide it among yourselves. For I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.'” (Luke 22:15-18)
He was saying goodbye to people. Even though he would be with them in the future, things were going to change. He was anticipating these losses.
“Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, ‘Lord, do you wash my feet?’
Jesus answered him, ‘What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.'” (John 13:1-7)
Often I hear this passage preached on with the focus on servanthood. But did Jesus not wash his disciples’ feet also as a loving gesture of farewell?
Did Jesus feel alone in his grief, as those close to him just would not understand that his time was near? Peter even tried to refuse to have his feet washed!
It must have caused Jesus deep sorrow to know that they would soon abandon him in his suffering. But they were oblivious. They did not understand why he was placing such great importance on this evening.
“And Jesus said to them, ‘You will all fall away, for it is written, “I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered.” But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.’
Peter said to him, ‘Even though they all fall away, I will not.’
And Jesus said to him, ‘Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.’
But he said emphatically, ‘If I must die with you, I will not deny you.’
And they all said the same.” (Mark 14:27-31)
“‘Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.’
Peter said to him, ‘Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison and to death.’
Jesus said, ‘I tell you, Peter, the rooster will not crow this day, until you deny three times that you know me.’ (Luke 22:31-34)
And Judas Iscariot. Just because Jesus knew that it would happen ahead of time, did that lessen the pain of betrayal?
“Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.’ (John 13:21)
“Judas, who would betray him, answered, ‘Is it I, Rabbi?’ He said to him, ‘You have said so.'” (Matt. 26:25)
With what heaviness of heart did Jesus say those words?
Then,
“What you are going to do, do quickly.” (John 13:27)
Jesus still took the time to offer comfort to his disciples.
“Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid…
And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe. I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me, but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father…
I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.” (John 14-16)
Still they did not understand or appreciate the importance of his words.
“So some of his disciples said to one another, ‘What is this that he says to us, “A little while, and you will not see me, and again a little while, and you will see me”; and, “because I am going to the Father”?’ So they were saying, ‘What does he mean by “a little while”? We do not know what he is talking about.'” (John 16:17-18)
Jesus really did wrestle with grief and sorrow. He felt the pain of loss keenly. Just as deeply and more so than I have felt it in my own life. He is truly a high priest who can sympathize with my weaknesses. His divine nature does not subtract from his humanity.
And yet, he also remained firmly rooted in truth. He comforted himself in his Father and submitted to his Father’s will, regardless of how he felt. He is the perfect example of obedience. He was tempted in every way as we are, but without sin.
I see this in John 16:32.
“Jesus answered them, ‘Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me.'”
In Matthew 16:21-23, Peter was rebuked.
“From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.
And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, ‘Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.’
But he turned and said to Peter, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.'”
Why was Jesus so sharp with Peter? Peter was being a genuine hindrance in that moment. Jesus already had a desire to avoid the coming trial, but his obedience was perfect. He would not put the things of man above the things of God, no matter what grief he felt or what those close to him said.
Days before Jesus was arrested, he was dwelling on the same words he would pray in Gethsemane.
“’Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? “Father, save me from this hour”? But for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father, glorify your name.’
Then a voice came from heaven: ‘I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.'” (John 12:27-28.)
And in Gethsemane:
“He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.’ And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, ‘My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.’
And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, “So, could you not watch with me one hour?” (Matthew 26:37-40)
That they should sleep!
But Jesus, our Savior, perfectly God and perfectly man, said,
“Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand.” (Matthew 26:46)