Forever a Foreigner

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

Ephesians 6:10-13

I was a couple weeks away from getting on the plane and flying into the vivid horizon of a new life.

I was leaving the U.S.A. to serve as a full-time missionary in Cambodia.

In many ways, it felt like my entire life had been building to this moment. God’s call was so clear, and I was stepping forward in unshakeable faith. This was God’s will for me.

Not only this, but as I said in many churches, Cambodia is my favorite place in the world. It’s where I grew up. I was going back to the one place on this earth that feels most like home to me, a place I thought I would never get to return to, and to do what? To teach children God’s Word, which is my favorite thing to do!

It felt as though God had given me a dream, and he was sending me to go and fulfill it. I should have been on cloud nine.

But then, a couple weeks from getting on that plane, a thought came to me, like a whisper in my ear. It said, What if you abandoned everything?

What if you walked away from God, from your responsibilities, from your calling, from your Christian circles, and even from your family, to go off and live for yourself and your desires?

This thought did not ask me to doubt my faith. It did not ask me to wonder if God was real. It simply asked me to abandon it all. To give up the fight. To step out of the race. To forsake everything.

I will refer to this thought, or question, as a Temptation, in the Biblical sense.

What if you abandoned everything?

Now, I had never in my life struggled with real doubts. I had occasionally entertained a doubting thought, but never for more than a few minutes. Truth always set it straight. I had never considered walking away from God, not even when I was struggling with sin issues.

This Temptation shocked me. What was this? Why were these thoughts coming to me? Why now? It made no sense. It was so bizarre. It felt like the thought came out of nowhere, unbidden and unprompted, and at the weirdest possible time. I had never had such thoughts before, not even before I was saved.

It didn’t feel like I had come up with it. 

I told no one.

Frankly, I was afraid to. This Temptation was too strange and shameful. How could I, a missionary, be having such thoughts?

I tried to ignore it, even though inside I was spiritually unsettled.

I got on that plane and went to Cambodia. I was now on the mission field. I was settling in and starting work in ministry. My new life was starting, and it was exciting and wonderful. God was good, and there was so much to do.

But the Temptation did not go anywhere. It hovered, like an insidious cloud, over everything I did.

About a month after getting to the field, I had a strange dream. It was extraordinarily vivid. I dreamed that I acted on the Temptation. I did it. I abandoned my faith, my calling, and my family. It was not that the details of the dream were necessarily realistic, but the emotion of it was. I felt the resolve, how it would feel to just leave everything behind and go off to live for myself. It was so real, and somehow it felt attractive.

I woke up deeply disturbed. I had never felt that the edge, so to speak, was so close. That the wall between me and forsaking Christ was so thin.

I had no idea why I would have such a dream. I felt almost violated.  

For the next few months, I lived with this Temptation hanging over me, like a constant, looming possibility.

It would be so easy to give up, to leave it all behind.

Will I give up?

What would it be like if I gave up?

It kept presenting this as a choice to me, a choice I didn’t want and had no interest in. I tried to ignore it. It would not go away. Instead, it would present this option to me again and again. I could not get rid of the sensation. This was deeply demoralizing. Every time I did something like write a prayer letter, it would come and say, What if I were to abandon missions? What would I say to everyone then?

I was disturbed and troubled. How crazy was this? Was I having some sort of crisis of faith? And what kind of crisis was it really, when I knew in my heart that I did not want this or doubt my God? It didn’t even make sense!

I felt very lonely.

There came an evening when, perhaps five months into this, I was praying about this situation. I had prayed about it before, but this time I just felt so sick and tired of it.

I finally did something that I hadn’t done before. Instead of feeling guilty and trying to ignore the Temptation to abandon it all, I acknowledged it.

I acknowledged the possibility of that choice, and then I wrote “I CHOOSE JESUS” on a piece of paper to express my direct rejection of this Temptation.

From that moment on, it was gone.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7

It was only after this that the light bulb came on, so to speak.

I realized for the first time that this entire ordeal, from beginning to end, had been a real, actual spiritual attack by the devil.

I am not quick to blame negative experiences or even temptations to sin on the devil. I do not believe Satan is behind every stubbed toe or sinful desire. We live in a world that is under the curse, and God allows trials into our lives (1 Peter 1:6-7). Sin often arises out of the desires of the heart and the lusts of the flesh (James 1:14-15).

But this experience had an entirely different flavor from anything that had happened to me before. This Temptation had not arisen out of the thoughts of my heart, but came to me as though from without. Though it targeted some of my natural desires in its pull (to go live for myself), it did not correspond with my true desires.

It did not come from the circumstances of the moment, but targeted and harassed me unceasingly for months.

Because of my ignorance and feelings of shame, I tolerated this Temptation for much longer than I needed to. When I finally stood my ground and directly defied it, it fled from me.

Why am I sharing this story?

I share it for two reasons: one, I think it is useful to have a real-life example of a genuine spiritual attack, so that we might be able to recognize it when it truly does come.

I did not recognize this attack for what it was for far too long. Even though I am someone who is privileged to have had a lot of Bible teaching, I still entertained feelings of shame and guilt instead of getting help.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:8-11

The second reason is that I would like you to be encouraged to pray for your missionaries specifically in the matter of spiritual warfare.

When a missionary says that they live and serve in a spiritually dark place, they are not speaking poetically. Satan is real. Demons are real. Their power exists.

When did I receive this attack? Right before I left for the field. I was targeted because of my calling and where I was going. I have no doubt of this.

The war is real.

A Recommendation

I recently did a study using the devotional book Winning the War to Walk Worthy, by Dr. Tim Berrey, which takes us through Ephesians 6:10-18.

It is a very convicting book that focuses on taking up the armor of God. For myself, the book helped me realize that I have often read that passage and gotten tangled up in the metaphor, without understanding the real call to live righteously, truthfully, and prayerfully, to live in the Word, in faith, in hope, and in gospel-readiness.

We must cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. We must put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. We must leave no opening for the devil.

At this time in my life, the spiritual war for holiness and endurance is very real. When the enemy’s presence is felt, the desire and need to take up armor is more immediate. Daily, I find myself turning to the Lord and to Scripture, seeking grace and strength for the battles ahead.

And having done all, we must stand firm.   

The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

Romans 16:20